In 2008, I found myself struggling to navigate this world. My 9a-5p corporate job left me feeling bored, and curious about a better life. Whatever “better” actually meant. Much of my time and attention went to people and commitments outside myself. The occasional yoga class and night out with friends became routine and unfulfilling. As a result, I began to feel a deep sadness. While I sat with this sadness, a greater awareness of my current state came front and center.

I was seeking fulfillment outside myself. Addicted to processed sugar and caffeine, I suffered from headaches, menstrual pain, and, back and joint pain. While living in sadness and pain, I felt a deep truth that I could be happy and live pain-free. Yet still, I didn’t know how. I was ready to run away. Anywhere but where I was had to be better.

While basking in my woes, a wise woman said to me, “Wherever you go, there you are.” In that phrase and at that moment, I realized I didn’t want to physically run away. I wanted space and time to run toward myself. To give back to me. To feel me again. But how? And what did it feel like to be me? That’s when the scavenger hunt began. What was going to fulfill me? What did I need? What brought me joy? What did I love?

After months of contemplation, meditation, journaling, and reading, the answer that came to me was devastating. It was to help others. This was the opposite of what I wanted. My world was difficult to navigate, boring, and unfulfilling because I was giving all the time. I spent weeks, if not months, denying and ignoring that answer. Certainly, there was an alternative. Another path. Then one day I understood. The deep desire to help, teach, and give back was a strength. It’s what I’m good at. I love it, and it is what I’m passionate about.

Through internal listening and curiosity – I found an education that would teach me to give, and receive the gift of medicine.

During the five years I attended Chinese Medical School, I gave back to myself more than ever. I sought weekly treatments from many different physicians of Classical Chinese Medicine while extending my studies to elders in my profession. Through their guidance and my willingness, I was able to move beyond my sugar addiction, headaches, menstrual pain, back pain, stress, joint pain, and emotional and spiritual losses.

In between then and now, I’ve learned that being curious about ourselves is the greatest gift we can offer. It is the gateway to fulfillment and health. Read more about my journey in the blog post “How I Got Here“.